Thump. Thump.

Of late with the things I have lost, 
my whole mind has been consumed. 
For careless as it sounds it was, 
and guilt over me has loomed. 

New emotions have come and gone, 
like dark clouds across the sky. 
They leave a shadow for a while, 
but soon enough have passed by. 

I ponder this new life of mine, 
focus on what I could be. 
But nothing I can conjure up, 
fills this emptiness I see. 

There must be something my heart wants, 
that’s worth every fall it takes. 
For though the beat’s slightly weaker, 
you won’t see the day it breaks. 

Thinking of those that I once knew, 
I am saddened deep within. 
At the time you see forever, 
fights with time we never win. 

Though inside me there are battles, 
every day another war. 
The beat I live to carries on, 
for hope of better it endures. 








Charlotte Gardiner - March 2009

Light Shed Over Darkness

I had always been guided 
By blind optimism 
Now my eyes have been opened 
To life as it is truly 
And I wish with all my soul 
That I am taken over by the darkness I see 
To drown in the black truth of reality 

With light cast over the journey 
I see only dead ends 
The pursuit of happiness 
Seems a fruitless course 
When joy will only show itself briefly 
Then be buried in further suffering 
Is the effort of breathing worth the reward? 

My heart already scarred from falls 
I plead for a long term slumber 
Disappointments, struggles and confusions 
Leave wounds that bleed forever internally 
With my pulse faint and weaker every day 
I pray that when I rest my eyes tonight 
Closed is how they will stay. 








Charlotte Gardiner - January 2009

Autumn View

As I watch I wonder 
Do trees become irritated and bothered? 
As the wind howls against them 
Hurls them this way and that 
Their branches creak and dry 
And their leaves break free of their summer home 
Falling to the floor creating a colourful pathway 
A crackling carpet beneath our boots 
Through this windowed door, 
Though I am trapped inside for now, 
I watch the colours change 
A graduation of beauty 
The greens to oranges and pinks 
Some a darker shade of mauve 
Those stubborn Evergreens 
With their memories and promise of spring 
Stand firm against the chilling wind and rain 
As if an olive branch of peace 
Extended to remind of warmer climates to come 
Teasing yet hoping 
A bright contrast against the newly white sky 
The density of hurrying clouds 
Sometimes parting to reveal a paler blue 
And although this spectacular spectrum 
Tells tale that a cold winter is near 
I can’t help but eagerly look forward 
As more visual flavours are sure to appear






Charlotte Gardiner - September 2009

System Shut Down

I'm so tired
Shutting down
From the inside out
My eyes are closing
A daze of dull shades
Losing direction
Still crawling ahead
I need to stop
I need to die
And come back new
Check my vital signs
They're all still there
So why am I fading away
I can't cope with life
Nothing makes sense
Its all too hard
Just want it to stop
So I can get a grip
Of something that's real
I have no hope
Of anything but an end
To this nothingness
Faith has no substance
When I've been abandoned
There's no point in it
No point in living
When I'd rather die
I can hardly write these words
My eyes are closing
But I'm not yet dead
Still I continue shutting down
Because I can't take it any more
I've had enough



Charlotte Gardiner - February 2007

Distraction

Come make the blue skies blue
The green grass green
Let me see the world again
The way I see it when I'm with you

You're my distraction
The bright light in my eye
To stop me from feeling the pain
Don't let me look away

Only in your arms
Can I look and feel strong
Only in your arms
Can I face what's straight ahead

You're my distraction
The eyes that cause a smile
The shoulder that holds up my head
Don't let me fall behind again




Charlotte Gardiner - October 2006

Fighting the "Light"

I've opened my eyes
      yes, like you told me to
Only to find that I'm blind
Can't see my life
      through all of your lies
I have to look away
      now I see through your disguise
Your ugly truth reminds me
      of all the times I should have died
Regretting that I never ran away
To think I used to be instinctively wise
But now your logic
      is what clouds my mind
That and the pain
      of having you in my life
Don't hold your love against me
Would you do something kind
      and forever walk away




Charlotte Gardiner - September 2006

Talking

Keep telling myself that

This is not the end

Though these walls

Are closing in around me

I wonder how long

Until I disappear from sight

Kicking and screaming

But no one can hear me

The pain inside my head

Will never show in my eyes

I don't need your sympathy 

I need your arms around me

Stopping me from choosing

Death over this joke of a life

I feel trapped by your limits

Because I could do anything

Give me wings and I could fly

To where I don't have to feel

Your stare of contempt

For these gifts that aren't mine

Or I'd share them

Let the world see itself

Through my vision of life

I'd laugh at the jokes

The ironies and contradictions

Of those that call themselves 'friends'

They'd be surprised to find that

I chuckle with pity at

The things they make important

Mostly themselves

You all make me sick

Maybe my smiles are lies

So look closer and you'll see

The truth behind the frown

Don't tell me if you see it

I don't want your help

I only want your love

And all of me

The good with the bad

So I can push you away

Charlotte Gardiner - September 2006