Thump. Thump.

Of late with the things I have lost, 
my whole mind has been consumed. 
For careless as it sounds it was, 
and guilt over me has loomed. 

New emotions have come and gone, 
like dark clouds across the sky. 
They leave a shadow for a while, 
but soon enough have passed by. 

I ponder this new life of mine, 
focus on what I could be. 
But nothing I can conjure up, 
fills this emptiness I see. 

There must be something my heart wants, 
that’s worth every fall it takes. 
For though the beat’s slightly weaker, 
you won’t see the day it breaks. 

Thinking of those that I once knew, 
I am saddened deep within. 
At the time you see forever, 
fights with time we never win. 

Though inside me there are battles, 
every day another war. 
The beat I live to carries on, 
for hope of better it endures. 








Charlotte Gardiner - March 2009

Light Shed Over Darkness

I had always been guided 
By blind optimism 
Now my eyes have been opened 
To life as it is truly 
And I wish with all my soul 
That I am taken over by the darkness I see 
To drown in the black truth of reality 

With light cast over the journey 
I see only dead ends 
The pursuit of happiness 
Seems a fruitless course 
When joy will only show itself briefly 
Then be buried in further suffering 
Is the effort of breathing worth the reward? 

My heart already scarred from falls 
I plead for a long term slumber 
Disappointments, struggles and confusions 
Leave wounds that bleed forever internally 
With my pulse faint and weaker every day 
I pray that when I rest my eyes tonight 
Closed is how they will stay. 








Charlotte Gardiner - January 2009

Autumn View

As I watch I wonder 
Do trees become irritated and bothered? 
As the wind howls against them 
Hurls them this way and that 
Their branches creak and dry 
And their leaves break free of their summer home 
Falling to the floor creating a colourful pathway 
A crackling carpet beneath our boots 
Through this windowed door, 
Though I am trapped inside for now, 
I watch the colours change 
A graduation of beauty 
The greens to oranges and pinks 
Some a darker shade of mauve 
Those stubborn Evergreens 
With their memories and promise of spring 
Stand firm against the chilling wind and rain 
As if an olive branch of peace 
Extended to remind of warmer climates to come 
Teasing yet hoping 
A bright contrast against the newly white sky 
The density of hurrying clouds 
Sometimes parting to reveal a paler blue 
And although this spectacular spectrum 
Tells tale that a cold winter is near 
I can’t help but eagerly look forward 
As more visual flavours are sure to appear






Charlotte Gardiner - September 2009

System Shut Down

I'm so tired
Shutting down
From the inside out
My eyes are closing
A daze of dull shades
Losing direction
Still crawling ahead
I need to stop
I need to die
And come back new
Check my vital signs
They're all still there
So why am I fading away
I can't cope with life
Nothing makes sense
Its all too hard
Just want it to stop
So I can get a grip
Of something that's real
I have no hope
Of anything but an end
To this nothingness
Faith has no substance
When I've been abandoned
There's no point in it
No point in living
When I'd rather die
I can hardly write these words
My eyes are closing
But I'm not yet dead
Still I continue shutting down
Because I can't take it any more
I've had enough



Charlotte Gardiner - February 2007

Distraction

Come make the blue skies blue
The green grass green
Let me see the world again
The way I see it when I'm with you

You're my distraction
The bright light in my eye
To stop me from feeling the pain
Don't let me look away

Only in your arms
Can I look and feel strong
Only in your arms
Can I face what's straight ahead

You're my distraction
The eyes that cause a smile
The shoulder that holds up my head
Don't let me fall behind again




Charlotte Gardiner - October 2006

Fighting the "Light"

I've opened my eyes
      yes, like you told me to
Only to find that I'm blind
Can't see my life
      through all of your lies
I have to look away
      now I see through your disguise
Your ugly truth reminds me
      of all the times I should have died
Regretting that I never ran away
To think I used to be instinctively wise
But now your logic
      is what clouds my mind
That and the pain
      of having you in my life
Don't hold your love against me
Would you do something kind
      and forever walk away




Charlotte Gardiner - September 2006

Talking

Keep telling myself that

This is not the end

Though these walls

Are closing in around me

I wonder how long

Until I disappear from sight

Kicking and screaming

But no one can hear me

The pain inside my head

Will never show in my eyes

I don't need your sympathy 

I need your arms around me

Stopping me from choosing

Death over this joke of a life

I feel trapped by your limits

Because I could do anything

Give me wings and I could fly

To where I don't have to feel

Your stare of contempt

For these gifts that aren't mine

Or I'd share them

Let the world see itself

Through my vision of life

I'd laugh at the jokes

The ironies and contradictions

Of those that call themselves 'friends'

They'd be surprised to find that

I chuckle with pity at

The things they make important

Mostly themselves

You all make me sick

Maybe my smiles are lies

So look closer and you'll see

The truth behind the frown

Don't tell me if you see it

I don't want your help

I only want your love

And all of me

The good with the bad

So I can push you away

Charlotte Gardiner - September 2006

Sorry

Lost
And once again
Picking up the pieces
From a fall
I didn't know I'd had
The only word
Pulsing through my heart
Sorry
Sorry for not being the one
You wanted me to be
Sorry for being there
When you needed me
But no other time
Sorry for not taking your hand
Even though you never took mine
Sorry for returning your kisses
When I never even felt them fall
Mostly I'm sorry that you love me
Because I can't love you back
No matter how hard I try
I'm sorry that I don't love you
Sorry for not telling you this
All the times you were ready to listen



Charlotte Gardiner - August 2006

No Walking Boots

Life is a journey

            for which i have no shoes

     walking for miles and miles

     with no resting place in sight

         Couldn't be called a bore

But certainly a struggle

     although for now each terrain

             is a new one

    never climbed the same mountain

    or crossed the same desert twice

    yet the view remains the same

           of an ever stretching horizon 

    sometimes brightened by a dazzling sunset

    sometimes hidden by dark clouds

the bridges i've crossed have occasionally been burnt

   the road ahead is never straight

   the twist and turns are often dizzying 

But still i walk

                      and walk and walk

          or sometimes run but never stop

          and contemplate

    only to pause then carry on

Charlotte Gardiner - June 2006

Undecided

i can feel it
building up inside
this tension i just can't ease
its a pain in my heart
and a cloud on my brain
and i wish it would go
'cause i'm going insane
there's this vice on my neck
it keeps getting tighter
every time i hear your name
i wish that i knew
all the things that you do
when i'm not there with you
i trust you
i know i trust you
don't think i don't trust you
but its not about trust
its about me
and the way that it feels
when you throw my heart down
then you pick it back up
and you dust it all off
then give it straight back
with that look in your eyes
that says
"what? no harm done"
so i laugh and i giggle
and i'll put it back right
holding back the pain and the tears
'cause you're breaking my heart
when you're looking at me
then you look back at her
like you just can't decide
well come on lover
what do you want me to say?
okay, sure, whatever, come back any day?
thats just not going to happen
not this time anyway
what i want you to do
is simply make up your mind




Charlotte Gardiner - February 2006

This Wall

        Brick on brick on brick
Is this wall I've built around me
        This wall keeps out the rain
This wall shuts out the sun
         Spent so much time building it
Sky high is this wall
         Fortified is this wall
Don't you try knocking it down
        The bricks on me will fall
Brick on brick on brick
        On me they will fall
Till once again I will be buried
         Shut out by this wall
This wall, I built it
         This wall, I'll knock it down



Charlotte Gardiner - April 2006

Ignorance Is Bliss

Would you really play the game
       if you knew you were going to lose
Would you try to take my hand in yours
       if you knew I'd push you away
Would you ever fall in love
       if you knew your heart would be broken
Would you dare to cross a bridge
       if you knew it would be burnt
Would you speak the same words
       if you knew you could never take them back
Would you even bother making friends
       if you knew they would turn out enemies
Would you sit and write a song
       if you knew it would never be sung
Would you still go and hide
       if you knew no one was looking for you
Would you want to call my name
       if you knew I wouldn't answer
Would you proudly spread your wings
       if you knew you couldnt fly



Charlotte Gardiner - March 2006

Poetry

what is poetry
a way of telling how you feel
without making it sound real
a way of making death
a part of life
a story of the rain instead of the sun
not seeing the hidden rainbow behind the clouds
a release from all things ugly
clever words making them into a thing of beauty
all things coming together to make sense once more
an array of ideas creating a new dream
to spend your whole life wishing for that dream to become a reality
but if that dream is crushed to die without hope
for without hope there is no life
love is hope alas love is a lie
for here on earth there is no love
only with God does it exist
as He can love and love and not tire of love
rather He can give love until your heart is once more filled with hope
for God is love
and love is hope
and hope gives life
and so we live with poetry in our hearts
poetry
a thing of beauty
a story of life



Charlotte Gardiner - August 2005

Forever in the Present

The past creates the present
And the present inspires the future
But I can't hold your past against you
And I can't judge who you will be tomorrow
By the person you give me today
Yet I accept your experiences as your excuses
And I hope the love you give me tomorrow
Will mean more than the glance you gave me today
Because the past creates the present
And the present inspires the future
We learn from yesterday
And we hope for tomorrow
Still we continue to live for today



Charlotte Gardiner - September 2006

Fanning the Flames

there's a fire breathing inside of me
with no way of release
one day I'll spontaneously combust
unless I find some way to let it shine through
glowing embers warm my thoughts
lighting my creative spirit
flames lick the backs of my eyes
sometimes I can even see the sparks
they make my brain burn
with ideas I don't know how to speak
so I write them
a sizzling array of fiery thoughts
confusing to anyone without that flame
a passionate desire to live
scarring my heart
at times it feels numb from the heat
yet still a mass of burning matter
maybe all it needs is a flash of lightening
to ignite a roaring furnace
ready to consume anyone I touch
anyone who dares fan the flame
of this fire crackling inside of me



Charlotte Gardiner - May 2006

Precipice

Apprehensive
Standing on the precipice
Not sure
Of whether to go forward
Or not
Hopes for the future
And fear
That my dreams won't become
Reality
That I will be left alone
Suffocated
By those that love me
Afraid
That love will never find me
Or it will
Only for me to push it away
And cause pain
Better for me to self inflict
Than love
And break an innocent heart
Repeatedly
To take a chance and
Lose it
Than regret a lifetime
Of no risks
Standing on a precipice
Apprehension
My choice needs to be made
Jump
Or dream a life that could have been
It begins.



Charlotte Gardiner - July 2006

Flying

I start to feel free
    And I know this is it
  Because I'm soaring through the sky
      Carried by my very own wings
Soaring
        Higher
              And higher
Till I know I can soar no more and
     I glide silently towards a peaceful place
         As the darkness of death engulfs



Charlotte Gardiner - November 2004

Show Me The Way

What do I do
Where do I turn
Everybody has advice
But I still can't hear the answers

Show me what to do
Tell me where to turn
I'm honestly all ears
Please consider my question

Who do I need
Who should I love
So many outstretched arms
But I can't find a helping hand

Stay by me if I need you
Lead my heart to its true love
Catch me when I fall
Teach me to walk on my own



Charlotte Gardiner - June 2006

Lazing Here

Lazing here
Think of all the times we've had
The sun beats down on my head
Bleaching what's already fair
The smell of cut grass in the air
Daisy chains beneath my fingertips
All the while I'm reminiscing on you
Wondering where you are under this blue sky

My heart is pumping raw emotion through my body
Every part aware that you're not here now
But the roads are too long
And the price was too high
For you to be here with me
Under this cloudless sky
So I'm under the weather
With no rain in sight
The tension crackling in my head
Is bound to cause a storm
And when the lightening strikes
I'll be bouncing off the walls
Hurtling through this space between us
With no destination but you

Knowing me, I'll be going around in circles
The whole time saying words I don't mean
Then taking them back with promises I can't keep
You always say you're through with it
But there you are again, dragging me back up
Every time that I stumble and fall
Cursing you as I go for the way you make me feel
When all you do is make me breathe
Through the days that I don't want to live

I look up and see a rain cloud sailing across the sky
Is this the end in sight?
The end of my confusion
Every time you say goodbye
And when the sun comes out again
Will I be here to bask in its warmth
To feel the breeze on my skin
And here the songbirds sing their song
Of everlasting peace to all
Will I get mine when we are done

But all this thinking ruins the glory of the day
So I close my eyes and miss you
Miss the you you are when you are you
When you are here with me
Cause all I really should be doing
Is lazing here



Charlotte Gardiner - May 2006

Picture Perfect

it's picture perfect

the way you look into my eyes

take my hand

and whisper in my ear

who would know?

that I follow you out of fear

that you looked into my eyes

with a silent threat

and took my hand

so I couldn't run away

the words you whispered

"I love you"

the three I dread

because it's not what I want to hear

tell me I can go

that you won't chase

and make me return

why won't you try and understand

that you've lost a part of me

and I'll never get it back

your hand is on my heart

so it won't fly away

my chest is tight

its getting harder to breathe

with every move you make

but we look so good together

that's what they say

if I looked as dead on the outside

as you make me feel on the inside

would I be free to go

could I trust you not to love me?

don't tell me I've broken your heart

because I won't pick up the pieces

the way we look

is not the way you look at me

if only this wasn't so 

picture perfect

Charlotte Gardiner - March 2006

Tears

Tears
Fall like raindrops
Down her swollen face

Pain welling up inside
Like a volcano
Ready to erupt

Every second
Is too much to bear
More silent tears falling

The safety's gone
The trigger ready
One last gulp of air

Click. Bang. Gone.
Pain stops welling
Tears stop falling



Charlotte Gardiner - January 2005

Twitching Whiskers

I get this feline feeling
When I'm lying in my bed
And the sun pours through my window
Drowning me in morning red




Charlotte Gardiner - June 2006

Discarded Pillows

Can't Sleep 
Unable to Stop Thinking 
Endless Circles 
Of Absolutely Nothing 
And Yet Everything 
What Seems Like 
The Same Things Over Again 
Unresolved Issues 
Floating in Regrets 
A Busy Day 
Has Left its Mark of Insomnia 
Too Much to be Thought of 
And Nothing to be Done 
Wasted Energy 
No Satisfaction 
All I Asked was Sleep 






Charlotte Gardiner - October 2006

Enough

And when they do fall

They burn

Hot with anger

That I couldn't hold them back

That there's reasons enough

For them to tumble down

I only ever try my best

Still you manage to bring out the worst

Make me feel sick with disgust

At your lies and your smiles

At least I don't pretend as you do

It only leads to disappointment

I know that too well

From all the times you've let me down

Well I don't want it

I don't care for your lies any more

I'd rather be alone

And that's why I cry

Well let those tears fall

And burn away the pain

Charlotte Gardiner - September 2006

H2O and Salt

Two Hydrogen

One Oxygen

And a little Salt

Makes a Tear

Tears that refuse to fall

Well behind bright eyes

Lapping up the pain

Brimming under pressure

Yet never falling

So why isn't my brain drowning

And why isn't my nose running

And why aren't my lips swollen

And why aren't my ears bursting

Maybe they are and I'm too numb to know

Do tears fall when I sleep

When there's no one to see

And no pain that can be disguised

Do they escape from my closed eyes

Is my pillow salty from the release

Would people be surprised to learn

That I'm not dead inside

That I'm touched so deep it hurts

And I don't remain unaffected

I control the pain I feel to save face

Understand that I do love you

And I don't wish you weren't here

But every smile that doesn't show

Is a tear that was never shed

Promise to follow me if I walk away

Pins stabbing the backs of my eyeballs

Are tears bitter from the wait for freedom

Itching to make tracks down my cheeks

Will this pressure ever seep from my aching eyes

Only if you're holding me tight

Two Hydrogen

One Oxygen

And a little Salt

Makes a Tear

Charlotte Gardiner - July 2006

Secrets

I write the title
A foregleam of words to be told
Only to stare at a blank page
For what could I write
The sayings of my heart are captive
Bound by my word of truth
My lips are held in chains
Unable to utter the things 
Weighing on my mind 
My secrets
The words I need to share
Locked within the confines of your thoughts
The ones I promised I wouldn’t tell
Your secrets
Travelled from your mouth to my ear
Now trapped in the darkest shadows of my heart
Shadows cast by love
And a desire to cause no more pain
So this blank page has been filled
Though with my thoughts only
For always will your secrets
Remain my secrets






Charlotte Gardiner - June 2006

Drowning

They say I'm shallow,
but I'm in so deep

I'm in too deep,
I can't surface

When I surface,
all i see is you

You're drowning me.



Charlotte Gardiner - June 2005

If I Die

If I die
Would time stand still
For my last breath

If I die
Would tears fall
From every eye
That's ever seen me cry

If I die
Would my song
Still be sung
From the hearts of those
That loved me

If I die
Would my picture
Still hang
From that wall
Inside your mind

If I die
Would I live on



Charlotte Gardiner - Dec 2004